I can actually tell time by M's episodes, every two weeks he is in a devaluing stage. This time is a doozy. We went to the ocean to see my son and his family this past weekend. My son, M and I walked 20 steps to the surf, while my daughter-in-law, who was under the umbrella, said something that I couldn't hear and when I walked a couple of steps back and tended to her question, M had a fit. He stomped up and swore at me and took off walking down the beach. Apparently, I must tell him when I walk 15 steps away. So needless to say, I didn't engage him when he wanted to argue, I just enjoyed my family for the day.
When we returned home, he stated that he is leaving me....again....in the past year he has had temper tantrums and left at least once a month. This time is for good, he says....
It's very difficult to know you can't count on someone, that they will abuse you and walk out at a drop of a hat. This type of relationship is not good for the faint of heart. You must be strong, self-confident and always have a Plan B. My Plan B is not in working order at the time, as I left my job to move with M and have not found another yet. So I am kinda stuck should this be the "real deal". However, should he leave it will be a bit of a relief as the roller coaster ride gets old after some time and I am tired. I will figure out a way to pay for this newer, more expensive, very rural place.
M self medicates with alcohol, which is not recommended for folks with BPD. He has a great job and has to be to work by 6 a.m., by 5 a.m. he has had 3 beers or mixed drinks and continues to drink throughout the day, at work. How they don't realize it or at least smell it is beyond me. He has had 3 DUI's (before meeting me) and still drives drunk more than not.
I think I will suck it up and keep moving forward for now. If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know, because as I said, I'm tired.
Monday, August 26, 2013
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Ramblings, humor & suspense.....
So this is my very first blog post. I won't bore anyone with details, just a brief back story to set the scene:
I am a 47 year-old divorced female with 2 grown sons (they are grown in age, not maturity). I have been in a relationship for the past year with a 56 year-old separated man. His divorce will be final any day now, just you wait and see!!! Please do not place any bets on this.... He has one grown son who lives on the opposite side of the country, I have never met him. My partner "M" and I have just recently moved in together - yep- fun....
M has BPD, which is a carnival ride in itself and I have absolutely no formal psyche training or professional abilities to cope with a personality disorder. I have studied human nature as a hobby, so I've decided to enjoy the amusement park and hopefully I won't get thrown off the roller coaster...
I have noticed there are many articles and much information for the person with BPD, but not much info or help for their partners. With that in mind, please do not be offended by any of my comments as I use humor at the most inappropriate times and I use it as a coping mechanism. This blog is not for folks with BPD, you have many other avenues to pursue. It is for me to vent, laugh and maintain some sanity as I navigate daily life with M.
As of now; August 13, 2013, M is splitting and in the devaluing part of an episode. I was a great person a couple of days ago, not so much right now, apparently I suck. Although this time the devaluing is much better. He doesn't degrade, insult or threaten nearly as much as he did prior to me pointing out many, many times that I do not engage him that way and there is no reason for a successful, handsome and respectable
gentleman to abuse someone in that way.
So here we are in day 2 of me sucking and I am laughing because he does not look at relationships as us standing together and holding each other up, he looks at it like he cannot wait for me to be stuck between a rock and being devalued. Instead of him speaking up and saying something like, "Hey honey, instead of dealing with your migraine and throwing up all over the bathroom, could you please put that on hold and help me cut this watermelon? That's be great, thanks." Of course in reality he doesn't say that, he becomes pissy and indignant, almost smug with a tight smile and a roll of his eyes, expecting me to know that he is mad because I don't feel well. I think he truly expects me to say something like, "Sweetheart, let me attend 100% to your needs and put mine on the back burner until you're all set....Let me just call the dog in here to clean up the vomit while I crawl to the kitchen and help you with that pesky watermelon."
There is no proactive or cooperative communication in a devaluing stage. So I went to bed....
I am a 47 year-old divorced female with 2 grown sons (they are grown in age, not maturity). I have been in a relationship for the past year with a 56 year-old separated man. His divorce will be final any day now, just you wait and see!!! Please do not place any bets on this.... He has one grown son who lives on the opposite side of the country, I have never met him. My partner "M" and I have just recently moved in together - yep- fun....
M has BPD, which is a carnival ride in itself and I have absolutely no formal psyche training or professional abilities to cope with a personality disorder. I have studied human nature as a hobby, so I've decided to enjoy the amusement park and hopefully I won't get thrown off the roller coaster...
I have noticed there are many articles and much information for the person with BPD, but not much info or help for their partners. With that in mind, please do not be offended by any of my comments as I use humor at the most inappropriate times and I use it as a coping mechanism. This blog is not for folks with BPD, you have many other avenues to pursue. It is for me to vent, laugh and maintain some sanity as I navigate daily life with M.
As of now; August 13, 2013, M is splitting and in the devaluing part of an episode. I was a great person a couple of days ago, not so much right now, apparently I suck. Although this time the devaluing is much better. He doesn't degrade, insult or threaten nearly as much as he did prior to me pointing out many, many times that I do not engage him that way and there is no reason for a successful, handsome and respectable
gentleman to abuse someone in that way.
So here we are in day 2 of me sucking and I am laughing because he does not look at relationships as us standing together and holding each other up, he looks at it like he cannot wait for me to be stuck between a rock and being devalued. Instead of him speaking up and saying something like, "Hey honey, instead of dealing with your migraine and throwing up all over the bathroom, could you please put that on hold and help me cut this watermelon? That's be great, thanks." Of course in reality he doesn't say that, he becomes pissy and indignant, almost smug with a tight smile and a roll of his eyes, expecting me to know that he is mad because I don't feel well. I think he truly expects me to say something like, "Sweetheart, let me attend 100% to your needs and put mine on the back burner until you're all set....Let me just call the dog in here to clean up the vomit while I crawl to the kitchen and help you with that pesky watermelon."
There is no proactive or cooperative communication in a devaluing stage. So I went to bed....
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